everything is moving so fast right now. i feel like i can't write as much as i want to. sorry future me. this has been the fastest month of my life and it hasn’t even been that long. fast times at ridgewood queens. everyday i still feel intensely overwhelmed by what is on my plate right now. all good, i'm still devouring said plate with every food group and nutrient falling in its correct place. just at a personal record pace. in my joey chestnut bag for real. in a sense i wouldn’t want it any other way right now. i want all the growing pains because somewhere in my past i convinced myself with everything i have been through in my life that if i am not feeling discomfort at a guttural level am i really growing? i should probably stop once in a while and learn how to live more. seriously. get reborn in a way. i want all the smoke. i want all the blame. i actually don’t mind the jews though. i don’t like how their government moves, but i don’t mind the jews. i smoked pot with yom kippur once in high school. it was yom kippur and sukkot and they were blazing that shit up every day. that’s my brother for real. no step. get it?

i had an inclination recently to contact my father during this time in my life. i don’t know why this came up. i don't know how i feel about this. the immediate feeling of wanting to do so makes me feel “aligned”. which is ironic because i was convinced that doing the opposite as i've been doing has put me in perfect alignment. which it has. right? so why now? i am unsure if this feeling is marked by hidden deception to throw me off of my current upward trajectory. or perhaps just another sign of maturation. he has been dead to me for three years now. dead man walking outside of a short stint at the end of 2024 when my grandfather passed away. there isn't a day that passes where he doesn't cross my mind. i miss my grandfather a lot. why is it that at certain moments in our lives we feel called to contact estranged people from our past? no matter how positive or negative their influence was. or does this only happen to a select existentially lonely few? i feel like i’ve been okay at living through this feeling. not hall of fame level but i got some highlights. why exactly is this happening to me right now? what if i know he hasn’t changed? can i actually know that? look at me i’m rambling about hypotheticals and i famously “don’t deal in hypotheticals.” i haven’t come to a decision about this yet. i might not come to a decision about this. well i guess no decision is a decision. crazy? i was crazy once…

i started hooping again. i couldn’t move my body for three days straight after the first day. but i started hooping again. it sucks being in your early twenties and going to work and not be able to hold a squat for like seven seconds without feeling like your knees are the absolute antithesis to vince carter’s. shoutout to that one earl sweatshirt bar. that specific thought crosses my mind every time i do anything remotely bendy with my body. i’m wearing r4 shox too in the meantime until i feel like my bank account can hold a 200 dollar plus purchase for some kobe 8s. humiliating. no excuses. thanks vince. we’ll be back in the saddle in no time. hopefully with more to write about as well.

- jacob