big plate, daddy issues return, and no vince carter knees.

everything is moving so fast right now. this has been the fastest month of my life and it hasn’t even been that long. more like fast times at ridgewood queens fast. everyday, i get more and more settled in to my new surroundings but still feel intensely overwhelmed by what is on my plate. all good, the plate is still being devoured with every food group and nutrient falling in its correct place, just at a personal record pace. some joey chestnut shit for real. in a sense, i wouldn’t want it any other way though. i want all the growing pains because somehow i have convinced myself with everything i have been through in my life that if i am not feeling growth at a guttural level, am i really ever growing? i really need to stop and learn how to live more. seriously. get reborn in a way. i want all the smoke. i want all the blame. i actually don’t mind the jews though. i don’t like how their government moves, but i don’t mind the jews. i smoked pot with yom kippur. it was yom kippur and sukkot and they were blazing that shit up everyday. that’s my brother for real. no step. get it?

i had an inclination recently to contact my father during this time in my life. i don’t know yet how i feel about this. the immediate feeling of wanting to do so makes me feel “aligned”, which is ironic because i was convinced me doing the opposite put me in perfect alignment. and it has up to this point. so why now? i am unsure if this feeling is marked by a hidden deception to throw me off of my current upward trajectory, or perhaps just another genuine sign of maturation. he has felt dead to me for three years now; dead man walking for a short stint at the end of 2024. no pirates. why is it that at certain moments we feel called to contact estranged people from our past? no matter positive or negative influence. or does this only happen to a select, existentially lonely few? i feel i’ve been okay at living through this feeling. not hof level (yet?), but i got some highlights. why exactly is this happening right now? what if i know he hasn’t changed? how do you interpret such if that is the case? look at me, i’m rambling about hypotheticals and “i don’t deal in hypotheticals.” i haven’t come to a decision about this yet. i might not come to a decision about this. well i guess no decision is a decision. crazy? i was crazy once…

i started hooping again. i couldn’t move my body for three days straight. but i started hooping again. it sucks being in your early twenties and going to work not being able to hold a squat for like seven seconds without feeling like your knees are the antithesis to vince carter’s. shoutout that one earl sweatshirt bar. that specific thought crosses my mind every time i do anything remotely bendy. i’m wearing r4 shox too in the meantime until i feel like my bank account can hold a 200 dollar plus purchase for some kobe 8s. humiliating. no excuses though. thanks vince. we’ll be back in the saddle in no time.

- jacob