the first half of this journey is now done and it sill hasn’t hit me that it’s over yet. usually endings don’t until i’m well moved on. i am so grateful for everything this year has brought me so far. again i have never felt this much growth, fear, and purpose in my life and to be where i am today is such a blessing. the endings as they occur feel trite. the cliches are cliche for a reason. it’s funny looking back on where i was at two, three, four years ago and where i am now, and how different my life looks versus what i was convinced it was going to look like instead. for the better. sometimes i lose sight of that and i need to remember everything in the macro is working exactly how it’s supposed to be working. i believe that wholeheartedly. i still have moments where i will look into the future and try to plan what is coming, which is okay, but when it leads to attempting to control what will actually reveal itself on that path it becomes a problem. always. i’m super stubborn. i wrestle with god constantly. that’s why i love my name. it’s also probably why i dominated in wrestling as a kid. i fought god bitch. and i would’ve won if he didn’t hit me with a cheap shot on my hip. i don’t like how he renamed me israel afterwards also. that didn’t age too well. but we straight. i’m so excited for what the next half of this journey will bring. i feel like my intuition and ability to listen to the spirit keeps getting better. hitches feel weaker. a day at a time. i’m so excited for the unknowns of each day. i’m excited to get out of my own way more. to allow myself to feel more. to be fully present with those around me. to play more freely. to meet those who have yet to be met. the surprises. good and bad. i’m beginning to feel more at home in my body for where i am and when i sit with that it makes me smile. bring it.

this fucking wojack meme man. i came across this picture a few years ago and it still lives in my head rent free. there are two variations of this picture: ‘the 25 year old loner’ and this one, ‘the 25 year old thinker’. You can google it. both are equally as relatable to me. ‘the 25 year old loner’ represents the external. ‘the 25 year old thinker’ represents the internal. the latter is what really bothers me more when i think about it (damnit) because of the self-sabotaging aspect of it. the internal warfare of it all. i’m a chronic maladaptive daydreamer. have been since i was a kid. it’s so easy for me to slip into extremely vivid daydreams and get lost in their complexity for hours on end sometimes. perhaps it was a coping mechanism for past trauma in my life that has grown habitually as i’ve gotten older. it’s a beauty and a curse. the purest form of escapism with no escape if you allow it to be. to me, the beauty of it comes from its function as serving as the most potent form of your creativity. i wrote an entry last year or so about my adoration for david lynch and his creative process in capturing ideas described by him as “catching fish.” for him, intense, focused transcendental mediation sessions that springboard into idea conjuring that reveal themselves in the form of daydreams. it’s a very focused, deliberate process. i am not a believer in transcendental meditation, but i have gotten the same results in what i called ‘entry activities’ where specific daily tasks and interests teleport me into a state where i am able to receive my most creative ideas more abundantly if i want them to. ironically driving and listening to music being one of them. the ’25 year old thinker’ isn’t that. he is the bizarro version of that. which has also affected me deeply as it pertains to lost creative opportunities in my life. i read from someone that the ’25 year old thinker’ is similar to kierkegaard’s concept of the aesthetic life which was so fascinating to me. the man who is alive but cannot live because he is already dead. it’s absolutely correct. i adore that curmudgeon dutchman. this is what happens when you get on the fishing boat and never come back to shore. it is an inner life littered with the feeling of inaction towards what you receive. you’re wasting your ideas. not taking action for your callings. for me, that inaction is in the lack of soft restarting aspects of my life too frequently. starting, stopping, and moving forward with too many things too fast and living in the what if as a repercussion. that and never beginning due to fear of success. killer. it eats at me the more i put off what i’m called to do. just like jeremiah and noah. time wasted potential that you don’t allow yourself to feel the urgency of because you rather live with a fantasy in your head of what ifs because you think what you’re called to do is too hard, and/or you feel guilty for never trying it in the first place. not good. but hopefully you come to the realization that living in a cave and inside of a whale sucks. i’ve been there and i’m still getting out. trying and not quitting is the only remedy for this. that was a hard truth pill for me to swallow. you’ve already received beautifully, put whatever you conjured into action and don’t quit. unless it’s murder or rape. a day at a time. kobe once said, and i’m paraphrasing, “people always say don’t put all your eggs in one basket because you could be left with nothing. but what they don’t tell you is that you can always make more fucking eggs.” yeah pretty much. but you can’t get there if you don’t get out of your mind first. mj still the goat though.

- jacob