godspeed never been more free.

the website works again; i’m here now. late last year, i deleted my linkedin account after coming across a random youtube video of a guy speaking on the myth of the current status quo in this country, all over pre-recorded og black ops gameplay. i forgot the name of the map he was playing on but it took me back to a simpler time. i haven’t gamed in six years really, don’t judge my algorithm. he was echoing a sentiment that i have heard and felt for about six years now, and have felt instinctively for even longer, we are living in a bizzaro world of a previous time where towing the status quo guaranteed you a certain life. i believe six years ago we entered through a portal and two and a half years ago i finally experienced the effects firsthand. i felt like i was under a surface level spell casted on me by public schooling institutions, mass media, non-existent familial pressures, and my immediate environment with only my gut to remind me otherwise as it peaked its head from a jail cell once in a while. i’m far from the only person who feels this though i am still perplexed to meet similar people today. perhaps i am still breaking out of this conditioning. once deleted, i instantaneously felt a massive invisible weight lift from my heart and for the first time i was completely open to receive life, purpose, and redirection that was centered at my emotional truth. i wasn’t then but i am now.

i made a move recently to go along with this. i’m now convinced that i have a direct calling from god to see a very specific thing through that fills me with this clarified sense of direction. it’s what i should’ve been doing this whole time but didn’t have the fortitude to do so. shoutout marty and the chosen one who plays him. since then, my nervous system has been through the ringer. i tell myself that it’s my body going through a hard reboot to decondition myself from the years of bullshit i have been registering as “normal”. i really don’t know or know what that means really but i feel it to be true. for the first time in a long time i have felt genuine fear, intrigue, cold, disgust, and community in a location and i couldn’t be more proud of myself for taking this path. though i still exist on the outskirts of my community, it’s the ‘one-on-one’ connections i’m after now in this stage of my life. is this maturity? anytime i’m out in groups, i still feel like an authentic part of me is missing. the same piece that has been missing for 6 and a half years now. i still ponder if that has gone away completely. i still long for it to return. it vacations to me once in a while but i’m usually quick to suppress it. i don’t know why i do that. maybe because i’m not fully settled in yet? will i ever be fully settled in a place? i feel like i’m in a new rapprochement phase in my life and i haven’t come to terms with it yet. paradoxically, i haven’t thought about home one time since the move. swear it. that i do know is maturity. or is there just so much on my plate right now both good and bad?

i feel like there is more to be said, but i don’t know what to say from this point forward. so yeah, i’m getting out of the rat race for a while and we’ll see what happens. the synchronicities as of now have never been more clearer. i’m filled with faith.

godspeed never been more free.

- jacob