i miss driving. a lot. i always find it funny when one decides to make a significant change in their life based on “discontent”, and then you finally make the move only for your body to reveal to you what you were really taking for granted while you were being a brat in a setting you thought you couldn’t stand anymore. rich. it simultaneously humbles you and puts certain aspects of your life into perspective in a very eye opening way. you have to allow it to though. i just had this experience again in my life recently while i was sitting alone at a donut shop in the east village. i wanted to break down and cry but i didn’t want to disturb the guy working behind the counter who was trying to convince me to get into one piece. i had to distract myself unfortunately. i’ve moved a lot in my life. i feel like i should take a break but can never convince myself to take one. you can’t ever fully know what you’re walking away from no matter how big or small it is until you finally decide to leave it behind completely. it still might be worth it in the end, but i would be lying if i said that i have never found a shred of regret in every move i have ever been a part of. i long to get behind the wheel again. honestly any wheel at this point. i’ve wrote about this before, but going for a drive just by myself has always been a very sanctimonious activity for me. when i’m driving alone listening to music at max volume, equal part in control and at the mercy of whatever is happening on the road, i enter this in-between place. the automobile is a sanctuary for me. i can dream, explore, live, and release catharsis in a way that few other activities in my life can. i really miss it a lot. what i have substituted daydreaming behind the wheel for is with hemorrhoid inducing subway rides with a subconscious burden of never knowing what your ride experience will entail. this too is very beautiful however. i love a subway trance nap. i love watching people in the middle of a subway trance nap. that halfway place you slip into on the train when your body decides it’s time. it’s a beautifully unique thing that is fully actualized in this city. i had one earlier today coming back home on the m above ground and with the sunset hitting my face in this state you really can’t ask for a better physical reset. i will take a subway trance nap over any substance on this planet. right now this is my drug of choice. of course i would trade it in a heartbeat to drive again.

i’m still the most moody i have ever been in my life. i now understand how our chickens back home feel when they brood. minus the intense desire to give birth. my decision making skills and speech behavior have just been shot since i’ve gotten here. i had a moment last night with my people at the bar we frequent where i all of a sudden needed to get aleve at the bodega across the street because i had a migraine coming on. when i came back to the bar to get some water, instead of going straight to the bar which would have obviously been the best way to get something simple like that, i went over to a friend’s table that visibly didn’t have any water left in their pitcher and profusely asked if i could have a sip of their own personal waters to get the pill that was now in my mouth down. someone at the table finally spoke up and said “bro, there’s literally a bar right behind you.” the obvious answer doesn’t come to me naturally. i'm just saying the equivalent of dead weight right now when i’m out with people, at work, or even at home and it’s a shot in the dark if what i want to say is even going to be articulated properly or structurally coherent. or just really taken in by anyone in the first place. thank god i can write still. a lot of what i say now around those close to me i feel just flies over their heads when i’m not speaking in filler or in native jit. which instantly makes me feel self-conscious. it’s insanely difficult right now to hold two things in my mind at once. no matter how simple. this really shows itself when i’m working at my restaurant job. i mean just now in writing this sentence i had an idea of where i wanted to go with this and it just slipped away within seconds. swear it. it's strange. i feel like i've forgotten how to act in groups with people i'm comfortable with. i feel like i've been trapped in my own personal red room or something to make a twin peaks reference (i know). i can leave at any time and i know that. but i don’t know how to do that exactly. even though it's so obvious. is this feeling just covert maturation? if so can it wait a little bit longer? i just got here. i wish there wasn’t this hitch in showing my true self with those i meet and those i am already close with here. i tend to resort to nonchalance because it’s easier but i’m screaming internally for connection. i just want to be more open with others.

i have a deep rooted insecurity with my lack of instagram presence post high school. which is ironic because i have complete discontent for social media as an institution as a whole. i have always been the most fulfilled when i was not on the platform completely. i honestly think it’s satan reincarnate. but unfortunately in the year of our lord 2026, you apparently have to dance with the devil if you even want to sniff progression in any creative field at a higher level. it sucks but we chose this. adapt or regret i guess are your only options. my insecurity is two fold: 1) as someone with a more creative spirit, like a trend with some people in my generation today i sincerely miss the days before ig where someone’s craft in a field was enough to carry them into where they needed to be. through smart and hard work and networking alone. progression was strictly based on talent, merit, and connections. simple. when ig came along the modeling and acting industries got hit for the worst. after 2012 agencies in both industries recognized that they didn’t have to do the brunt of marketing work anymore in representation of their clients. so why put in the work if our talent can now attract eyes for us through unrelated superficial means? and what do you have to do as talent in order to attract potential work today? “content creation.” horrible. i believe once “content creation” became the mainstay for the development of models and actors trying to break through in their respected field any and all mystery and intrigue in a model’s look or an actor’s craft instantly was placed in the passenger seat. in a way it had died. we killed it. it was replaced with unnecessary bullshit you have to do to garner attention like shaking your ass to some awful trending music on tiktok that you may not even resonate with or promote some up incoming energy drink to children. and on that note, i feel like a lot of creative people are now selling out their creativity just for an online brand deal with some two-bit skincare brand or another shitty dating app. that’s where our attention has shifted and we’re all just seemingly okay with this being the current zeitgeist? disgusting. to this day this is why i have grappled with the decision to pursue management for modeling. at what cost? my morality? forget it. 2) in making the decision to deliberately to largely detach myself from ig i feel like the trade-off to this is always staying one step behind in connecting with new people within my generation. which is a significant mental hurdle that i deal with in my social struggles. i die a little every time someone is enthusiastic about wanting to exchange ig’s and i feel like i have to explain myself when i really shouldn't. this happens way too much in my life. i always fear if it’s going to be asked. look, i get it. but to be real with you i’m never going to watch your story or spend any considerable amount of my day doomscrolling on my homepage or looking for your posts to like and comment on. never. for no one really. and i wouldn’t expect you to do that for me either! fuck your masqueraded online life and that’s to anyone close to me or otherwise who feels like they need that to give their life purpose. go listen to facebook story again you fucking weirdos. unless it’s exclusively for work, a creative outlet, or something that is so personally dire that you need to share it with us all i don’t care to see the postured online version of your life. fuck that. you're so much more than that. to this day i’m astonished at how much value we place on this in meeting new people. it’s honestly nauseating and we should be ashamed of ourselves. we’re all comparing each other’s masks and passing judgements on one another whether conscious of it or not in a desperate attempt to confirm whatever biases you may have about another person. we’re all slaves now. call me ridiculous if you think for a second i would ever take significant time out of my day to vicariously live my life through your story or feed that you could otherwise just share with me in person. admittedly i have my moments. we all do. stop the cope with saying that it’s just my “photo journal.” it’s not. that's a smokescreen. you’re insecure. we all are now.

- jacob