longing to drive, meta moodiness, and the detached instagram blues.

i miss driving. a lot. i always find it funny when one decides to make a significant change in their life based on “discontent”, and then you finally make the move only for your body to reveal to you what you took for granted while you were being a brat in a place you seemingly couldn’t stand anymore. a rich joke. it simultaneously dulls you and puts certain aspects of your life into perspective in a very eye opening way. you have to allow it to though. i just had this experience again recently while sitting alone at a donut shop in the east village. i wanted to break down and cry but i didn’t want to disturb the guy working behind the counter who was trying to convince me to get into one piece. i had to distract myself unfortunately. i’ve moved too much in my life, sometimes i just need a long term break but can never convince myself to take one. you can’t ever know what you’re walking away from no matter how big or small until you finally decide to let it go completely. it might still be worth it in the end, but i would be lying if i said i have never found a shred of regret in every move i have been a part of. i long to get behind the wheel again. any wheel at this point. i’ve wrote about this before but going for a drive by myself has always been a very sanctimonious activity for me. when i’m behind a wheel listening to music, equal parts in control and at the whim of whatever is happening on the road, i enter this in-between place. the automobile is a sanctuary for me. i can dream, explore, live, and release catharsis in a way that few other activities in my life can. i really miss it a lot. what i have substituted daydreaming behind the wheel for is with hemorrhoid inducing subway rides with a subconscious burden of never knowing what your ride experience will entail. this too is very beautiful however. i love a subway trance nap. i love watching people in the middle of a subway trance nap. that halfway place you fall into on the train when your body decides it’s time. it’s a beautifully unique thing in this city. i had one earlier today coming back home on the m above ground, and with the sunset hitting my face in this state you really can’t ask for a better reset. i will take a subway trance nap over any substance on this planet. right now, this is my drug of choice.

i’m still the most moody i’ve ever been in my life. i now understand how our chickens back home feel when they brood. minus the intense desire to give birth. my decision making skills and speech behaviors have just been shot since i’ve moved here. i had a moment last night at the bar with my people where i needed to get aleve at the bodega across the street because i had an intense headache coming on. when i came back inside to get some water, instead of going straight to the bar which would obviously be the best way to get something simple like that, i went over to a friend’s table that visibly didn’t have any water left in their pitcher and profusely asked if i could have a sip of their own personal waters instead. someone at the table finally spoke up and said “bro, there’s literally a bar right behind you.” the obvious answer doesn’t come to me naturally. i just say the equivalent of dead weight now when i’m out with people, at work, or even at home and it’s a shot in the dark if what i want to say is even going to be articulated properly or structurally coherent. or just really taken in by anyone in the first place. thank god i can write still. a lot of what i say now around those close to me i feel just flies over their heads when i’m not speaking in filler or in native jit, which instantly makes me feel self-conscious. it’s insanely difficult now to hold two things in my mind at once. this really shows itself when i’m working at the restaurant. just now in writing this sentence i had an idea of where i wanted to go with this and it slipped away within seconds. swear it. i’ve always been a more shy and introverted individual, but always loved being around people. again, one-on-one? it’s a wrap. in groups? i’m just there. i don’t know how to act in groups anymore. i feel like dale cooper in season three of twin peaks (i know, references again). i’m here, but i’m not here. i feel like i’m trapped in my own red room or something and have been since the summer of 2019. i can leave at any time, and i know that. but i don’t know how to do that exactly. even though it is so obvious. again, is this just covert maturation? i wish there wasn’t this hitch in showing my true self with those that i meet and those that i am already close with here. i tend to resort to nonchalance because it’s easier but i’m screaming internally for connection. i just want to be open with others.

i have a deep rooted insecurity with my lack of instagram presence post high school. which is ironic because i have complete discontent for social media as a whole. i honestly think it’s satan reincarnate. but unfortunately in the year of our lord 2026, you apparently have to dance with the devil if you even want to sniff progression in any creative field at a higher level. it sucks but we chose this. adapt or regret bitch. the insecurity is two fold: 1) as someone with a creative spirit, like a trend with most people in my generation today, i sincerely miss the days before ig where someone’s craft was enough to carry them into where they needed to be through smart and hard work alone. progression was strictly based on talent, merit, and connections. simple. the modeling and acting industries got hit the worse in my opinion when ig came along. after 2012, agencies in both industries recognized that they didn’t have to do the brunt of marketing work anymore in representation of their clients. so why put in the extra work if our talent can now attract the eyes for us granted through superficial means? and what do you have to do today in order to attract eyes? “content creation.” horrid. once “content creation” really became the mainstay for the development of models and actors trying to breakthrough, any mystery and intrigue in a model’s look or an actor’s craft was instantly taken away. it had died. we had killed it. it was replaced with unnecessary bullshit like shaking your ass to awful trending music on tiktok that you may not even resonate with in the first place. and nowadays, it’s all just for an online brand deal with some two-bit skincare brand with no character or a shitty dating app. that’s where our attention has shifted as consumers and we’re all just seemingly okay with it. disgusting. to this day this is why i have grappled with the decision to pursue management for modeling. at what cost anymore? my morality?? 2) in making the decision to deliberately detach myself largely from ig, i feel like i always stay one step behind in connecting with new people within my generation. which is arguably a significant root of my social struggles. i die a little every time someone is enthusiastic about wanting to exchange ig’s. this happens way too much in my life. i always fear it’s going to be asked. look, i get it, but i’m never going to watch your story or spend any considerable amount of my day doomscrolling on my homepage to look for your posts to like. ever. for no one. i wouldn’t want you to do that with me either. fuck your masqueraded social media life and that’s to anyone close to me or otherwise that feels like they need that to give their life purpose. go listen to facebook story you fucking weirdos. unless it’s exclusively for work, a creative outlet, or something that is so personally dire, i don’t care to see the postured online version of your life. fuck you. to this day i’m astonished at how much value we place on this in meeting new people. it’s honestly nauseating and we should be ashamed of ourselves. we’re all comparing each other’s masks and passing judgements on one another, whether conscious of it or not, in a desperate attempt to fit in. you’re a slave. we’re all slaves now. call me ridiculous if you think for a second i would ever take significant time out of my day to vicariously live my life through your instagram story that you could otherwise wait to share with me in person. admittedly i have my moments. stop coping with saying that it’s my “photo journal.” it’s not. you’re insecure. we all are now. with love.

- jacob