before i came out here i was in conversation with some close friends and family about the idea of taking monogamy a little more seriously as i feel like i’m getting older and entering this new stage in my life. i feel this desire has still been resting in my subconscious since i've been out here for this short amount of time. at the same time i feel conflicted. on one hand, i have never felt so removed in wanting to have meaningless sex in my life than i do now. which sucks because i’m in my twenties and living in nyc. fucking capital of the country. on the other hand i busted. :). sorry. no but seriously hooking up at this point in my life has started to feel more like a chore when it once wasn’t not even three years ago. but i wouldn't be telling you the whole truth if i didn't say that i now feel like a tiny piece of my soul is chipped off and given away every time i have sex with someone i don’t see in a potentially monogamous way. i still have my moments. but i'm now slowly becoming part of the camp that wants to share myself exclusively with someone i'm particularly close with. there’s a oneness in sharing yourself with someone you’re close with that is becoming increasingly intoxicating to me the more i ponder on it. it feels like up until now i've only been given a sample of something that we’re all really longing for but never willing to sacrifice for to get the whole thing. that and i truly wasn't ready. i still don't feel completely ready. we binge on the temporary. call it a spiritual taxation on us all. sometimes i wish i was a virgin again. when i lost my virginity we took each other's and i took her to ihop right afterwards because i was craving blueberry pancakes. she was cramping in the bathroom. i had no class. i wish i could have that moment back. that was unfair to both of us. with that being said i still find myself time from time in situations still. it’s a vice. i'm ultimately very touch starved. i love the exhilaration of someone wanting me and vice versa. especially as a guy. i have never been dominated by substances in my life. i pride myself on having never been blacked out before. however lust is my substance on occasion. always has been. i started looking up sex on the internet when i was very young age. i was jerkring off before i really knew what i was actually doing. shooting nothing and blanks. as i've gotten older i've lost myself in chases with women more than once that have really left me emotionally scarred. some instances i still haven't fully recovered from. they were mostly my fault. i have lost people in my life i wish i never had because of mismanaged lust. it's been both beautiful and dangerous. but i am so grateful for these fuck-ups at the same time. good and bad it’s all good in the end. i want to continue to learn that agape is king but it’s something you have to practice. i’m by no means a pro. i still get strung out on cockiness and resort to distant shyness at times. but i mean well. promise. i’m convinced i want to be a dad. so whoever you are that will be the future mother of my chirren shoutout to you. you’re going to be great. in the meantime i stay conflicted and have my moments.

since making the decision to get out of the rat race i have dealt with bouts of "what the hell are you doing?!" creeping in. these are not beneficial thoughts. it masquerades itself as concern but if followed would lead down a road of unfulfillment. a road that i have traveled way too much in my life already. a road that i will not travel again until absolutely neccesary and even then. though this thought gets more and more diminished as each day passes by it still shows itself from time to time. i believe there’s a purge going on inside my body right now on a meta-physical level that i am encouraged by each and every day that i’m here. again not pursuing something you feel inexplicably called to do is such a fear of mine that daydreaming about a life where i am not doing such gives me nausea. and brother i have been existentially nauseous for a very long time. i had a conversation with a friend recently about people our age getting married and having kids before their brain is fully developed. i don’t believe there exists any good reason on why this should be a desireable idea unless you both had a child in wedlock or the only greater thing you feel called to do in your life is to be a parent. and that desire unflinchingly beats out the unfathomable amount of possibilities you could explore about yourself while you’re in your twenties. but if that is all you feel called to be doing and your completely satisfied with the work you're doing and you have a supportive partner with amicable love, then by all means do it. of course. but wait, you’re telling me that at this age you have never resonated with anything outside of marriage and having children in your life? not a single thing you wish to explore? you’re cashing out that fast? i don't believe that. i’m sorry (i’m not) but if you're living by your parents, your romantic partner, or your immediate environment’s expectations on what you as an individual ought to be doing with your life then that is not a good reason to rush into getting married and to have kids. if you happen to have a desire to pursue whatever it is you feel convicted to pursue, and you leave that unchecked when you decide to settle down, then i promise you that you will come to eventually hate yourself. and you will pass that hate down to your partner and children. whether you consciously do it or not. and if not then perhaps that conviction wasn't truly grounded in any form of sincerity to begin with. just as your parents might have done to you based on what they were told they ought to do with their lives. generational demons. no aster. i also don’t get it when people say they have zero regrets in life. what are you sociopathic? regret and the lessons learned are such a foundational tool for me. wait, is that what people actually mean by that? they don’t regret because doing so would negate what they learned from their mistakes? holy paradox. nah it’s got to be more arrogant than that. right? what i mean by regrets are things that if i had actually had done them they probably would've drastically changed the trajectory of my life in one way or another for the better. holy butterfly effect. however i do believe in divine will. and i believe we can choose to get back on that path whenever we so please. i’m convinced that if you remove most of the unnecessary bullshit from your life we all know what we should be doing intuitively. and like i said before in doing so i have never felt so aligned in my life than i do now. but i digress…

my top regrets so far:

not sticking with wrestling as a kid.

not learning how to play the guitar when i had the opportunity to in sixth grade.

not knocking on my crush’s door in seventh grade who was this popular girl at my school that lived in my subdivision and wanted to have a pool date with me.

not going on accutane in high school.

all the stupid and edgy shit i did with my friends on the internet during high school that will probably come back to bite me in the ass one day.

not keeping my first instagram page i made in middle school.

i’m sure i’ll revisit some of this later in detail. it’s all love and all good in the end.

⁃ jacob