i made it. the first half of my calling here is now in the books. it still hasn’t hit me that it’s through. shocker. thank you god. i feel like i’ve changed. grown. i feel noticeably different. to have done the first half of this work i’m doing at this level truly feels like the most accomplishing feat of my life. i was so scared. petrified. and for it to be over already is mind boggling. i wrote before that my nervous system was looking forward to august. christmas in august. i’m going to make a conscious effort to really enjoy whatever this next month and a half is going to bring during this break. my whole life i’ve never prioritized taking a break. i always thought by doing so would put me “behind” on whatever it is i wanted or needed to be doing. what i was being called to do at any given time. there’s probably some deep seeded misconceptions about masculinity mixed in there somewhere as well. i’m extremely hard on myself. it’s a blessing and a curse. curse when it’s married with complacency. blessing when i’m actively engaged in something that is making me grow. when i return back to our regularly scheduled programming a month and a half from now i have a desire to go deeper within myself to see where i can find grace. but for now, that’s something i don’t have to concern myself with.

shout out frank zappa. i really want to get back into reading during this time. i go through stages where reading is not really present in my life and it’s truly a hidden hole. there’s a beauty in picking up a new book and getting lost in it, no matter what it is, that book all of a sudden becomes the most interesting book i’ve ever read in my entire life. i suffer with recency bias like crazy. it’s juvenile in a sweet way. my interest in reading isn’t quite developed to the same degree as film watching is for me. but as i see it they are two parts of the same coin. visual literacy is such an underrated skill that i wish more people would develop today. everybody. especially as we unfortunately grow deeper into a more automated and technologically dependent society. seriously who asked for this? i had a friend a couple weeks ago fall for an ai video of herald square being flooded out during a massive thunderstorm we had in the city while we were on our way back from a group beach trip. i believe he genuinely thought for a moment that we were heading back to a midtown manhattan that was well on its way to becoming underwater. manhattan. yikes. to go beyond what is explicitly being shown to you to understand the meaning or lack thereof from the creator of a piece of media is such a critical skill to better understand your interests, morals, and values. to be passive in your consumption of media is to set yourself up to be potentially manipulated in some way, shape or form. i strongly believe that. on some 1984 shit. right? i never read it. there are so many books and literary movements that are interesting to me that i sometimes get lost on where to begin. tv is similar for me as well. we’re in the prime era of modern television and yet i don’t watch any of it really. i should though. the best remedy for this to me is to just pick one central foundational topic like a specific author, sub genre, or classics within a literary movement and just go from there. i always wanted to read the entire harry potter series. we were psyched out of it through the church we were attending but that never stopped my interest in wanting to read it. my parents also eventually realized the ridiculousness of this as well. poor visual literacy skills by traditional conservatism. shocker. if only there was a tool that these people could use to research that harry potter is actually an allegory for the story of christ. ironic. books are also hot. every time i meet someone who has an interest in reading my attraction to them increases. knowledge is hot. come make me a slave and teach me your ways you beautiful sage. i’m a ravenclaw.

- jacob