i went home this month and felt the most joy i felt all year. i’ve written about it before but as you move, what you take for granted will be revealed to you as you grow in your new location. being able to drive again was such a blessing. i was right. to have north carolina summer heat hit my face for a week and to feel like i was about to pass out in a hot car before i turned on the ac was awesome. being able to spend time with those i am close with now away was a blessing. being able to visit my third places and solo spots unlocked a new level of appreciation that i knew i had already for these places, but i couldn’t grow deeper in that appreciation if i had never relocated was such a reminder that i am where i’m supposed to be. i have done these return trips on numerous occasions in my life after the fact and they all have produced similar feelings. those feelings were usually marked by a tinge of longing however. of regret even. regret that i wasn’t able to fully recognize the beauty in the monotony of my day-to-day from where i once was. this time around however was just pure appreciation, joy, and another vivid reminder of life continuing to move forward. if you feel the calling to explore and it’s backed by genuine and positive reasoning, no matter to what capacity, you have to do it. i’m convinced. unconscious to that reality for a while. convinced of it now. no feeling is ever final. shout out rilke. i’m returning for the second half of my current path here with so much love and pure joy that i have been craving all year. my spirt is high.

i’ve been pondering on the importance of consistency recently. consistency with maintaining meaningful relationships, consistency with the work that you do in this life, consistency in using proper discernment, consistency in listening to god and me moving as such. i believe consistency is the precursor to greatness. not greatness in an egotistical binge type of way but the greatness in recognizing you’re living a life well lived. a fulfilling life. a content life. i always feel the most aligned when i have a line. i experience the most self doubt when my line is not present. there is freedom in structure. structure by your own choosing. i have always struggled with understanding what my self-identity is and who i am as i move in the world. i used to naively think it was tied to the work i do with my life. i’m still escaping that lie. anytime i’m out of touch with my spiritual life and lose faith i feel like i enter a chaotic abyss internally. i want my self-identity to be tied to my personal journey through my faith and the hills and valleys of that journey. imperfections and all. i want to continue to find my consistency through such.

author chuck klosterman released a great book earlier this year on the history, beauty, and cultural significance of football in america. i want to read it. i love american football. when it comes back around this time of year i notice the air changes for me. throw up the 4s. i love the pacing of the game. i see it as a chess match and the ultimate form of a simulation type game. how does a specific offensive scheme compete against a specific defensive scheme? how do certain players change that game plan? are there weather concerns? i love the communal aspect of the game as well. as insane as it can be at times sports offer a healthy way to let out human tribalistic urges that isn’t a referendum towards how you feel about other people’s politics, morals, or beliefs. it’s refreshing when kept in check. football in particular i believe is felt the strongest because of just how american the game is. we are the only country that plays this game at a level unlike any other country in the world. it offers a balance. i love the games associated with the sport. the amount of time i spent playing madden as a kid every year was absurd. i used to love getting lost in the role playing of the gm mode in madden and rebuilding a team that was ass. or just playing the game to learn how the sport worked in general. i love fantasy football. such a core memory of my childhood that i carry on to this day. drafting a team and watching how they do every sunday helped shape many autumns and winters in my life. we had a tradition for a while in my house that every christmas everyone pitched in to get me a football jersey for one of my gifts. i was obsessed. in first grade i got a ladanian tomlinson jersey that to this day is one of my most favorite gifts that’s someone ever given me. was always a panthers fan though. still am obviously. the joy we all had going to games through my grandfather’s season tickets are some of the best moments of my life. we used to take the train from cary to charlotte. cam newton is a superhero to me. he single handedly changed the zeitgeist in the carolinas when he arrived. my favorite athlete of all time. i tried to take a lot from him when i was a kid growing up. trying to find myself in my masculinity. i feel like my more eccentric and flamboyant side specifically stems from behaviors i modeled from him. i want to meet him one day. i want to thank him. keep pounding.\

- jacob